shifting priorities

This is the lake in my mom's neighborhood. I've probably driven by it at least a million times, but today I decided to walk there. It was quiet and serene, although I had to wave at the half a dozen people who drove by. (There's an unwritten rule here that you must absolutely wave at everyone you pass. What? I'm from North Carolina!) Oh, back to the point: Being here with my mom, I've come to realize that reshuffling my priorities is tough. Up until now, I've had the incredibly selfish luxury of focusing only on myself—my relationship, my career, my friends, etc. Me, me, me. Now that my mom needs a hand, I have to put my own life on pause while I'm running errands and heading to doctor's appointments. I wish I could say that I'm swimming along selflessly, but I have to confess that I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place: It's hard for me leave my life, but I also feel guilty living it, if that makes sense. Time and practice will make it easier, but right now, I have to remind myself that I'll figure it all out—and that this experience is making me stronger.

suburban living

In New York City, I must do about 1,000 things a day. In North Carolina, I'd say I average around 5 to 10. Today's agenda: walking around Lake Lynn, teaching my mom how to stream Netflix (!!!), doing some work, buying some household things and cooking our meals. I feel like I'm playing Goldilocks: Isn't there a "just right" around here somewhere?

6 things (thanksgiving version)

Today I opened the front door of my house in North Carolina to find this cute guy. Since there's so much construction going on in North Raleigh, the deer have taken up residence in suburban backyards. There's a little family that hangs out in ours, and it's magical to see this wet-nosed fawn wobbling around. Anyway, I'm here for the week, spending Thanksgiving with my mom. And while this year has had its rough patches, there are still so many things I'm grateful for. A random smattering:

1. My dad. Coordinating mom's health insurance and financial stuff has made me realize to what great lengths he went to provide for his family. I'm crying just thinking about it, but in the best way possible.
2. Soft pillows. After complaining about a crick in my neck, my mom was like "we've had that pillow since you were a girl. Maybe 25 or 30 years old?" (I went out and bought a new one immediately.)
3. Fake Thanksgiving. It gets more delicious by the year.
4. Facetime... so I can talk to mom when I'm far away!
5. Cinnamon-apple tea. It makes the whole house smell like the holidays.
6. A happy home. The good thing about going through life's bumps is that is makes you appreciate all the joyful, blessed things so much more. That's why I'm so thankful to have a place where I always feel safe and loved.

confessions

Here are a few things I'm owning up to:

* When my schedule's not jam-packed, I feel a little lost. I think I need to learn the art of nothingness.
* I really want a pair of $60 sweatpants, but the frugal part of me freaks out before I can click "buy."
* Once, when I couldn't find Monkey anywhere in our apartment, I was convinced that someone broke into our apartment and stole her. Turns out she was wedged in a closet. Erik still teases me about it.
* I ate an entire box of Annie's Cheddar Bunnies in a day. And that day was yesterday.
* It feels strange to still have tinges of sadness. I know it's a natural part of the grieving process, but it's still odd. I guess I'm lucky in the fact that my normal setting is happy.
* Recently the only music I want to listen to are tunes that remind me of childhood, like those by Simon & Garfunkel, Whitney, Rod Stewart and Julio Iglesias. Somehow I don't think that's a natural part of the grieving process.
* I've watched The Hunger Games trailer at least seven times already. Excitement level 11 over here!

climbing upwards

Yesterday I met a friend for yoga at her studio here in Williamsburg. I'm more into the workout versus spiritual component, so I braced myself when the hipster teacher (a rock climber dude with black frames and a pet llama) started rambling about Buddhist philosophy. But then he said something that struck a chord: The only way to get better in rock climbing is to find that sweet space of slight discomfort—where you're a little scared—while searching for the next hold. Because if you cling to where you are or resort to only the grips you know, chances are you're not gonna make it. I thought that was a clever analogy, and made me realize that I'm sort of in that place in my life: Working for myself and being relied upon for someone else's wellbeing is somewhat uncharted territory for me. I guess I have to let go of my previous holds(the security of a paycheck, not having to worry about anyone but myself when I make decisions) and wholly embrace this new stretch of life.

Pic: Climbing in the Gunks

kinda sorta recipes

Happy Monday, friends. We had a super lazy weekend over here. I tidied up, went running and did a few around-the-house projects. I also went a little crazy in the kitchen and whipped up a bunch of dishes. Instead of using exact measurements, I decided to wing it—with a lot of success! Here were three of my favorite kinda-sorta recipes:

1. Quiche lorraine: I beat four eggs with a cup of half-and-half, and mixed in salt, pepper, nutmeg, bacon, caramelized onions and gouda. Then I poured into a baked pie shell. (Whole Foods makes the best frozen whole-wheat vegan kind.) After 30 to 40 minutes in a 375F oven, it was perfection!

2. Butternut squash soup: I tossed butternut squash in olive oil, salt and pepper, and roasted at 380F for 30 to 40 minutes. Then I blended it with veggie broth, soy milk, sauteed onions, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and curry, plus more salt and pepper to taste. Served with homemade croutons (bread cubes tossed in olive oil, oregano, paprika and Parmesan, then baked or pan-toasted).

3. Apple-fig compote: This was super delish alongside pork tenderloin and roasted brussel sprouts. I sauteed diced apples with a little olive oil and garlic, then added in some veggie broth. I stirred in a spoonful of fig butter, a drizzle of balsamic and some cinnamon, salt and pepper. Then I cooked down until it was soft and mushed some of it with the back of my spoon. Nom!

blue Friday

I'm feeling a little down and frustrated today. I have a lot to do. Why am I not more motivated? Plus, I have so many things to be happy about—why am I still so sad? So I did what any respective writer/editor would do: I turned to Google, and came across this thoughtful series, A Study in Bereavement, by Meghan O'Rourke. I highly recommend it for anyone who's suffered a loss.

These two lines in particular resonated with me:

"This is part of the complexity of grief: A piece of you recognizes it is an extreme state, an altered state, yet a large part of you is entirely subject to its demands."

"I was not prepared for how hard I would find it to re-enter the slipstream of contemporary life, our world of constant connectivity and immediacy, so ill-suited to reflection."

how to comfort a grieving friend

Confession: Before my darling dad passed, I didn't really know how to handle death. No one close to me had died before, so I often felt clueless and helpless around grieving friends. But now that I've gone through it, my advice is: just be there. If you can, show up at the funeral. Even though I didn't want to make people feel obligated, it really meant so much to have my pals there. And if you're unable to go, send a email, card or gift. My incredibly thoughtful NYC friends sent a box of healthy snacks to NC, which moved me to tears. Finally, do a check-in during the following weeks. I've found that toughest time—and it continues to be—is the transition back to "normal" life. I'll be plugging away at work or errands when a sudden wave of sadness will hit, and that's when a funny e-mail, g-chat or note always makes me smile. Of course, everyone is different (and I'm a bit of a weird one, if you couldn't already tell), so of course let your pal's behavior be your guide. But don't hesitate to reach out, no matter how awkward or unsure you feel. It's truly the thought that counts.

PS: Doesn't my dad look like a turtle here? Love.

6 things... (happiness version)

This little guy's name is Yoshi. He hangs out in Erik's office all day, and sometimes dresses up in Prada jackets and toggle coats. In other words, Yoshi's wardrobe is more stylish than mine. His doggy face (and the fact that Erik texts me pictures of his get-ups) make me laugh. Here are six other things, big and small, that are smile-worthy:

1. Trader Joe's fig spread. If you haven't tried it already, get thee to a TJ's ASAP!!!
2. This Polaroid of my dad. It's on my tack board, so I can look at his cute face when I miss him.
3. The Nitehawk Cinema in Williamsburg. At long last, there's a movie theater within walking distance of our apartment. And you can even eat yummy food and drink beers (hello, pumpkin!) during the film. We saw Drive there last weekend (hello, Ryan Gosling!), which was violent but good.
4. This free mixed tape from Erik and company. Go download it. It's super fun for dancing around your apartment.
5. Our morning routine. Every morning, when Erik wakes up, Monkey rushes to snuggle and I take little 10-minute break to join in. Hands down, the best part of my day.
6. This adorable (and amazing) entry about the NYC Marathon.

snip, snip

So, I went in for a trim today and left with long bangs. I'm not totally sold on them yet. No wonder you're not allowed to get your hair cut while sitting shiva! You make rash, impulsive decisions. Ah, well, it'll grow back...

Edited to add: Erik hasn't even noticed! Isn't it funny how things that seem so huge and glaring are barely noticeable to others? I thought it was a nice little life lesson reminder for me. :)

marathon weekend

I just love watching so many people making their dreams come true. A bunch of us gathered to cheer on our friends and, although I missed seeing most of them (boo!), it was still so inspiring. I'm crossing my fingers that, next year, one of those runners will be me!

embracing change

Phew! I finally pushed through my insane week! Between Europe and then Raleigh and all of the changes that ensued, my life has been go-go-go lately. And now that I finally have a little time to stand still, my emotions are bubbling to the surface. Here's a rundown:

* I feel sad about my dad. It really, really sucks that he won't get to walk me down the aisle or meet any of his grandkids.
* I feel nervous about my mom being alone. After her stroke, her mobility is limited, but she refuses to move closer to us until we're more settled (i.e., with kids). I worry about her loneliness and her health.
* I feel stressed about changing my life. I'm going to visit mom once a month to hang out, take her to the doctor, iron out survivor stuff. I'm mostly happy to do it, but the selfish part of me is like "eeps" about travelling back-and-forth. When I'm there, I miss my life, my friends, and Erik and Monkey.

I know it's my happy-go-lucky personality to find the silver lining in every situation, because there are so, so, so many things in my life to be thankful for, but I also have to remind myself that it's okay to feel sad and frustrated, too. I guess life is a little like surfing in that way: You have to give into to fear and washing-machine wipeouts in order to get better and ride out the waves.

almost five years!

The other day I was telling Erik that one of the hardest things about losing your dad is that you're also losing your rock. All of a sudden, the person who would do anything to protect you is inexplicably gone. It's an unsettling feeling, no longer having that deep sense of security. But, over the course of the week, after Erik rubbed my back, made me laugh and gave me his crinkly-eyed smile as I fussed and freaked, it occurred to me: He's my rock now. Over the (nearly!) five years we've been together, he's constantly made me feel safe, supported and loved. And even though he might show up breathless because he's run from a work crisis, he's always been by my side when I've truly needed him. I can't imagine my life without this guy.

when they were young

While trying to track down some naturalization papers, I unearthed these old pics of my mom and dad when they were college-aged. Do you think Tim and I resemble them? I think I have my mom's face shape and my dad's eyes and lips, and Tim is exactly the reverse. I just love looking at old pictures.

ughhhh

Here's me being straight up: This week sucks. Big time. Since I didn't work much last week (family first!) and had some trouble concentrating when I got back, I'm currently up to to my eyeballs in deadlines right now. Grace period over. Sigh. Sleep, exercise and sadness are taking a backburner while I just try to plow through everything as quickly and efficiently as possible. But maybe this is helping me take my mind of things? Regardless, I'm looking forward to the weekend. While I run away on my hamster wheel, please enjoy this pic of an amazing sideshow from the NC State Fair. I want a cute two-headed raccoon!

Silver lining: I'm so glad I have a cute boyfriend who gives me bear hugs when I'm blue and doesn't mind the fact that I've worn the same sweatshirt three days in a row...and friends who message me silly things that make me smile throughout the day. Oh, also, I can't forget my thoughtful and devoted brother, who I know I can always count on.